


i loved, i loved and i lost you

by teatimewithbees



Series: The Big Sad [5]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Order 66 (Star Wars), Unrequited Love, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:54:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28158633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teatimewithbees/pseuds/teatimewithbees
Summary: Order 66 happened years ago, yet Cody still thinks about Obi-Wan.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: The Big Sad [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1962325
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	i loved, i loved and i lost you

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what I was possessed by to write this, but it happened. As always, I hope that you enjoy whatever this is.

I have to kill you – _need_ to kill you, but I don't want to see you go. Don't want to know you're gone. Dead. Not in this world.

I want to hold you, hug you, kiss you. Do everything I wasn't able to do during the war, forced to stay away from you – scared you wouldn't return my feelings.

But I need you. Want you. Can't let you go.

You're my light. My light? My love. My life. Everything you want to be if you would just stay, but I see you and get this _urge_. A pull I can't resist. An order that means everything and nothing at the same time. An order I haven't heard before. Didn't know existed until he said it. Until I looked at you and could only think _traitor_.

But you aren't. You can't be. You would never betray us. Would never leave us with him if you could keep us. Take care of us, just as we have taken care of you.

And you were falling. Deep down the canyon, hitting the water and you should be dead. But you're not. You're alive and gone and I resent you for leaving me behind while my head screams at me that I have failed. That I haven't been a good soldier because you are alive. Because you had the opportunity to turn Skywalker into what he is now. Because your survival means everything and nothing to both him and me.

I want you to live. Live and some day kill ~~Skywalker~~ Lord Vader. Kill him and end whatever terrible song is playing in my head over and over and over as I remember the day I shot the person I loved most in the entire galaxy while my brothers are dying around me and my best friend, my brother, my _Rex_ is lost. Gone with Vader's former apprentice with no reason to return to the empire. Branded at a traitor, he would only get himself shot.

 _You_ are only going to get yourself shot.

I am scared, so scared, that you will also be gone. And still, I want you to come so I can be the one to finish what I couldn't years ago. So I can be the one to kill you. To take away that life that you managed to hide so well for so long.

But I'm old. Old and I'm not getting younger. Lord Vader keeps me around for you, for the opportunity that you will show yourself and have to face the person you left behind. Vader does not understand that we were never more than friends. That your feelings, whatever they were, were always hidden from me. So well so, that at times I question if I was really your friend or just someone you had to work with. A necessity that was easier to handle if it was kept happy.

I realized I don't care. Whether we were friends or you only saw me as another nuisance in your life, you were always kind. Offering help and friendly words when a brother was down. No matter the reason, it was still better with you than with the empire.

They're cold. Unfriendly. Don't see me or my brothers as people.

I wonder if we really are, at this point. With a treatment that is worse than during the times of the republic I question if death wouldn't be a blessing. A thought many brothers have and many brothers follow. We get less and less every day and I don't know whether my thoughts or the battlefield will be the first to kill me.

I resent you and I love you and I wish to be able to see you again but I know that can't happen because when it does I won't be able to stop myself from leveling my blaster at you and pulling the trigger – ending what should have ended a long time ago.

I wish for my head to finally find peace. The only way to do that is for you to die. To leave. To stop being in my thoughts every time I wake up. With your laugh, your smile, your hair, your eyes, the way your hand would feel against mine when I gave you your lightsaber. It needs to be gone. Forgotten, because I'm only a clone. Only a soldier in the army of the empire. A small figure for the emperor to use as he pleases.

You need to be gone because good soldiers follow orders and for once I want to archive what I want.


End file.
